You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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