if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
pray to the hookup gods
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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