Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
