i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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