thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
