my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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