My hand turned me down
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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