I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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