i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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