Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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