I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
