You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
