I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
