we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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