oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
