the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
