I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Oh god it's open bar.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
