i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
