Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
