speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
