so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Who died my cat blue again?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
