why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
