I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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