I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
