I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
