Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
