Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
