I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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