Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
