My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
