apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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