I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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