so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
