Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
