You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
