Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
