yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
