i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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