there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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