"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
