On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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