Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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