I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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