My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
