There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize