I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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