Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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