I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
