Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
