I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same