Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today