Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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