I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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