I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
